The Battletoads get Warty
by Dr. B. Attletoad
Summary: The three battletoads do the things they do in various places and stuff. It gets pretty warty so if you are reading this please follow the rating suggestions. TOADS RULE!
1. The Toads do Everyday Crap

Chapter 1: The Toads Do Everyday Crap

Authors notes: What is up guys and gals. We devote our whole life to the battling amphibians known as battle toads. We wrote this crap to express our love for the toads that made our childhood the best childhood possible, and to tell the story of how tubular the battle toads are. So sit back, light up a dank blunt, and get ready to fap off cause this shit is 18+.

Zitz, Rash, and Pimple are some of the wartiest battletoads in all the universe that Princess Angelica travels in. One day the three toads where in the "battle crib" drinking some Cosmicola, when the croak alarm sounded. "Calling all toads! Please report to the Anura landing deck!" The fighting reptiles bounced to their hind legs and leaped down to the platform. Professor T. Bird was waiting for them. "Listen up toads, " the professor chirped, "the dark queen has been sighted in the city, getting all up in everybody's grill." "Yo Mr. T, that ain't tight" Rash replied semi-aquaticly. "That's right home skillet" squawked the professor, "You need to get over there right away." The trio hopped into the Millennium Toad. The three toads looked at each other, for they knew what time is was. It was time to get warty. "TOADS RULE!" they croaked in unison, as Pimple powered up the thrusters. And they were off on another mondorific adventure.

Panic and horror ran throughout the city streets. Citizens were running aimlessly, trying to avoid the looming shadow of the dark queen's space ship. Her evil army of swine, lead by Admiral Oink, were marching through the streets, rustling everyone's jimmies and getting everyone's dander up. One little boy was trapped by two pigs, who were really pissing him off. He looked to the sky and his face lit up brighter than a star going supernova. "Look" he cried out "It's the battletoads!". Their giant Delorean shaped spaceship splashed in from the great lake above to defend the land of the humans. Zitz, Rash, and Pimple hopped out of the Millennium Toad and burst into action. Zitz turned his hand into a hammer and started totally messing those pigs up. Rash grabbed a pig and started going ham on everyone. Pimple cracked open an ice cold Cosmicola. "Pimpleee" the other toads whined. "What?" he replied in a majorly confused tone. "Oh ya we're fighting not smoking a phat doobie right now aren't we?" "Cha bra we'll hook up a sick blunt later," Zitz replied. Pimple then cosmically stumbled into action, squeezing his pubescent juices all over the enemy. Suddenly, the forces of the Dark Queen started to retreat. "Woah brah looks like they can't handle our radical moves'', Rash piped. But suddenly, the Dark Queen herself emerged from the cloud of smoke that nobody had really noticed up until that point. She had a look on her face like somebody had just taken her jimmies and smashed them into oblivion. "What are you combat amphibians doing on the human planet?" She uttered in an averagely aggressive tone for the type of situation. "We're picking up another bag of that African Cush," Pimple whispered to his left arm that he morphed into a bong. "Can it Pimple," Said Zitz. "We are here to stop your smoked bacon flavored army of dweebs." "I was having a killer time without you hodads foiling my plans," the Dark Queen barked at them, "but since you totally killed my vibe, I'm gonna bounce."


	2. The Battletoads get Really Fucking Baked

Chapter 2: The Toads Get Really Fucking Baked

The Dark Queen made like a banana and got the fuck out of there. Once again, the toads of legend emerged victorious. After they picked up their party materials, they floored their modified DMC cruising machine to 88 LPH (leaps per hour). After they got back to the battle crib they fired up a massive doobie the size of zeus' erection. "We aren't gonna smoke all this hash by ourselves?" Rash asked. "Cha brah, I could hit this sick grass all by myself" Pimple replied. "No you couldn't you dork," Zitz said, "We need to share this massive amount of pot with a galactic amount of people." "TOAD PARTY" the toads cried out to the heavens.

Half an hour later, the bass could be heard from solar systems away. The atmosphere on toad planet was 80% THC. DJ Deadtoad5 cranked up a killer beat as thousands of qt 3.14s lined up to twerk on Pimple's warty toad bulge. Rash was hanging in the VIT (very important toad) lounge with Barack Toadbama and George Washingtoad, the most bitchin' party presidents ever conceived on toad planet. They sparked up a blunt with kush so dank, the high could bring forth the second coming of toad jesus. Professor had two joints rolled up in his nasal cavities. He was getting so baked, that if you brought him to a bake sale fundraiser someone would be like "wow someone is really good at baking." Zitz was busy hitting it off with Princess Angelica. She looked mega fly in her tight red dress, and her ass cheeks looked like glorious beach balls shoved up near her anal sphincter. "The way you saved that city…" Angelica started to say but started awkwardly blushing in mid sentence. Her cheeks became a vast sea of red chinese orphan blood and spaghetti oozed out of her non existent pockets. "Yeah?" Zitz asked in his best cool guy that is totally not trying to hide a boner voice. "It was sooo tubular" Angelica finished.

Zitz was beginning to accumulate an exceptionally large amount of testicle sweat on his scrotal sack at this point. "That's neat" Zitz replied. He was running out of things to say. He quickly decided he would say: Princess, you look so beautiful tonight, not even a field of cannabis hydrated with acid rain could come close to the beauty radiating off of your amazing body. With that in his mind, he said "Uhh… how do magnets work?" "Wait what?" asked Angelica. "Nevermind" croaked Zitz, "Lets just go fuck or something." And on that note, Zitz and Princess Angelica headed up to Zitz' bedroom. His baked brothers saw this, and cheered for Zitz. They knew as well as he did, it was about to get really warty.


	3. Zitz Has Vicious Intercourse With The P

Chapter 3: Zitz Has Vicious Intercourse With The Princess

Author's Note:

What is upwards my amphibious followers. This shit is not for the faint of heart. or the hazy of heart. or old people. please do not read the following content under any circumstances. No matter how warty you think you are, this chapter should never be viewed by you. I warned you. This chapter was edited because the original content was so upsetting it made pedophiles and insensitive people alike loose their sight and nipples. Not shitting you if you think this is bad you couldn't even imagine version 1.

The princess and Zitz hauled their stoned asses up to the bedroom. Zitz' bedroom is designed semi-aquatically, to represent the type of sex he like to achieve with a large array of ladies. That sex is amphibious. The two waded/walked across the marshy floor to the water bed. The Princess stubbed her toe on a rock and sexually fell face first into a mud covered lilly pad conveniently shaped into a pillow. Zitz commented on her arousing fall. "Lol that looks like it hurts." With that smooth comment he morphed his hand into a lawn mower blade and with drunk surgeon like precision attempted to cut the unfathomably tight dress off of the princess's human torso. It gouged her back open but she was like "fuck it im really blazed right now so I don't care." She was naked as shit.

"Alright babe let me see those hot nips" Zitz said in a voice so erotic that it completely drenched the princess' already moist vaginal opening. "Ok" she said as she turned her chest towards Zitz so he could get the optimal view of her boobs. They were so damn hot. I mean if you saw them you would become so painfully rock hard that you would want to use your erection to slap a marsupial. "Now let's view that giant warty toad boner" The princess said while fluids poured in an endless stream out her vagina. Zitz removed his man-thong, revealing his lumpy, 7-foot long, throbbing, semi-aquatic penetrator. "Wow, your fucking prick is huge" the princess said in awe. "Yea it's pretty cosmic" Zitz croaked with pride for his legendary wang, "lets commence the sex." "I don't know Zitz, I'm scared," the princess admitted, "is that thing even street legal? I dont want it to completely obliterate my constantly spewing vagoo." "Bae you have over a 69% chance of living don't worry about it, plus my anthropomorphic ding-dong has been notarized by three different offices on toad planet. This schlong is as legal as pot in California," said Zitz semi-truthfully. " 'Aight homie, let's get warty!" giggled the Princess, as she pulled her thumb out of Zitz' ear and licked it clean.

They got into some really kinky weird shit after that, but it goes against every religion (even atheism) to describe the acts against humanity they committed in Zitz' room that night. Something that involved a complete set of collectible Star Wars cups, a dozen 65 year old hispanic men wearing cargo pants and nipple clamps, listerine breath strips, and a farmer's market worth of fresh produce. To sum things up, Zitz went ape all over that bitch's pussy, and she had like 50 thousand orgasms. After they finished disrupting the space-time continuum, Zitz and princess Angelica relaxed with some fresh jamaican kush. Toad cube walked into the room, announced that it had been a good day, and then left.


	4. The Dark Queen is Annoying Again

Chapter 4: The Dark Queen is Annoying Again

After a really long night of partying their moist anuses off, the toads wanted to stay in the recovery rooms of the battle crib to finish crapping out the toxins. The Dark Queen had other plans for the warrior reptiles though. While Princess Angelica was passed out on the mossy floor of the battle crib, the black ruler of certain stuff snuck in and kidnapped her. The negrotic czar was about the only conscious creature in the solar system because she wasn't invited to the crack-a-lackin celebration the night before, and instead stayed at home sipping diet coke and reading the script for the Extreme Dinosaurs TV show. She was charged and ready to be a skank. After Admiral Oink had been dishonored by sucking a lot, General slaughter stepped in to assist the shaded königen. After apprehending the pretty princess, the duo of debbie downers made like a tree and split. About three days later, the toads got up to find their royal adolescent leader missing. "Bro," said Rash. "Bro," replied Pimple. Zitz concurred with a stark "Bro." Even Professor T. Bird expressed his shock with a loud rendition of "Bro"s. In lieu of a formalized retaliation plan, the group excreted "CALABUNGA!" from their oral orifices and took off in the Millenium Toad. They took off on the intergalactic roadway to the Evil Queen's space castle, but stopped at KFH (Kentucky Fried Human) on the way and picked up some human wings. After that rippin' stop they arrived at the Queen's grounds. Now it was time to sneak in. The far out 1981 swagger-mobile rolled up to the guard gate manned by some mildly aggressive watchmen. The gull wing doors lifted up and Zitz stuck his warty snout out while huge clouds of smoke rolled out from inside. "I'll take the 20 piece human nuggets, 5 bags of goritos and 2 gallons of cosmicola." "wat." oinked the guard holding a blank clipboard inside the comically small booth. "Zitz we're sneaking into the castle not ordering from KFH," whispered one of the other toads. "Shut it you barney I kinda knew that. Yo what's up home skillet we're here to inspect your grow huts." "We don't have that here. Are you guys battletoads perchance?" "no," responded Zitz who suddenly had grown a full sized mustache styled the same way as the average 45 year old republican. "Nah brah I meant windows. You have windows right?" "um ya," grumbled the ham slab of a worker. "Shaka Bra!" screeched the toads and oversized bird as they raised their shaka's in thanks. The worker shrugged, pulled out a bottle of lotion, and started masterbating furiously at his desk. The toads and large bird pulled into the indoor parking lot and proceeded to use two spots so that the dark queen's jimmies would get all rustled. "Alright dudes let's put on our masks so that they don't recognise us" Chirped Dr. T Bird. The toads opened their inventories and equipped the guy faux masks and fedoras. As they stepped out of the four wheeled pussy magnet, they looked at each other in silent agreement, for they all knew that it was gonna get so warty, that you as the reader will probably get high just reading this.


	5. The Battletoads Trash the dark queen's

Chapter 5: The Battletoads Trash the dark queen's castle

The toads hopped into action. Rash started to call every pizza restaurant in the area and had an inhuman amount of galactic pies sent to the dark queen's house, under the name "Jimmy Rustle." Zitz ding-dong ditched the side door, where they least expected it. Pimple cracked open an ice cold Cosmicola. "Pimpleee" the other toads whined. "What?" he replied in a majorly confused tone. "Oh ya we're rustling the Dark Queen's jimmies not smoking a phat doobie right now aren't we?" "Cha bra we'll hook up a sick blunt later," Zitz replied. Pimple morphed his amphibious appendage into a slingshot, and launched rotten eggs at the Dark Queen's house. Rash picked up a phone that was just sitting conveniently next to him and called the castle, asking if their refrigerator was running. "Woah dudes, the dark queen is gonna feel like such a barnie once she sees how we totally shockafied her place!" Pimple croaked with pride. The other toads looked at him with soul melting cringes. "Oooooh, she's right behind me, isn't she..?" Pimple's shoulders tightened as he turned really slowly for no reason to see the Dark Queen standing behind him. Her arms were crossed and she had a really calloused knee. That last detail wasn't important at all. "What are you toads doing to my castle?" She questioned questioningly. "Were the lame-o police, and we've come to shut down your castle for sucking eggs!" Rash replied. "No, cut the shit toad im serious" the Dark Queen shouted, "you dumbasses fucked up my castle. You got eggs on the hood of my '97 Prius! If it was any newer, that could have decreased it's value by a little!" "Thats what you get for stealing the princess!" Zitz said while he accumulated a massive amount of drool that leaked from his lower lip to his chest. "You idiots, she called me to drive her home because she was so smashed after your party," the Dark Queen yelled at the toads, who at this point had forgotten all about the princess and had already moved on to the subject of smoking pot. "Do you guys wanna get some pizza and hash?" Pimple asked the other toads. "Cha bra!" the two replied. The three toads and Dr. T Bird hopped into the Delorean and took off to get really baked.


	6. Doctor T Bird is a Dick

Chapter 6: Doctor T Bird is a dick

After crashing the Delorean for the 5th time that month inside the space garage, they were safe at home with some more luscious marijuana. "This West of the Niles pot is dope as dope," Rash redundantly said in redundancy. "I too enjoy burning and then inhaling cannabis for recreational purposes," calculated audibly Dr. T Bird. "Bro-Bird, what do you even do here?" questioned Zitz. "Ya I don't think I've ever seen you do anything other than munch on doobers and drink cosmicola around here T-ditty," chimed is Rash. "Ya Bird-enstein do you even like... ya know, and, um... stuff?" verbally vomited Pimple. "Uh... cha bros" T Bird Replied nervously, as spaghetti started to ooze out of his pockets "I do lots of stuff around here." "Alrighty tighty borlie-olie," Zitz crooked in reply to the fallacy T-Bird had just stated, "Then name one thingareno that you do here, other than inhale massive amounts of fat splifs that you don't even pay for and chug gallon after gallon of cosmicola"? T-Bird sat in his chair staring blankly into space trying to think of how to bullshit his way out of this one, when one of the greatest ideas that had ever appeared in his brain came to him. T-Bird grabbed some king sized papers and rolled himself a big old bone, then proceeded to get roasted out of his mind. ''Uhhhh… what did you dooders want again'', he asked the toads as they glared at him. "GGGAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH'', the toads shrieked in unison. "Wow T-Bungo, you are such a pathetic piece of living filth. You are a disgusting, bathtub of shit that fell into a radioactive puddle, and even satan himself thought was too much of an abomination to inhabit the deepest pits of hell" Rash proclaimed. The other toads looked at him in shock. T-Bird started to subtly tear up and cry. ''Damn it broski, not cool" Pimple said to Rash. ''Yeah totally not far out brah'' Zitz added, ''You made T cry''. ''I'm not crying brosamus,'' T-Bird sobbed, "It's a high mold count man… shut up''. The toads bought T-Bird a 6pack of cosmicola and a couple fat blunts, and let him take the Delorean for a ride around the block. Then T-Bird masturbated furiously that night and everything was alright, I guess, fuck you it's a story about talking toads it doesn't need to make sense.


	7. The toads use public transportation

Chapter 7: The toads use public transportation

Now that birds and toads had made amends, it was time for the squad to take another tubular adventure. "Yo I've heard Iceland has some dank kush that we can hit up," inquired Rash. "Bruh you always know that i'm up for a doob-zilla," said T-Bird. Since they had just crashed the car again, they were out of luck for taking the millennium toad. It was time for taking public transportation. T-Bird, as the group logistical coordinator, sparked up a preliminary joint as Zitz booked plane tickets for the group. As he was researching air travel he came across a disturbing factoid. "Bro-chachos we can't bring the marijuanas or lighters with us on the air-o-plain!" The toads went bananas after hearing the news. "My amphibious friends, I may have a solution," began Pimple. "Before we go through air-check, we blaze the shit out of 2000 fluid ounces of that moist hash, get through the flight, and then get even more toked out right as we exit in order to continue our habit of continuous elevated euphoria." and then it was decided; The battletoads would travel on air-toad for the first time in remembered history, which could only be a few days in reality. The next day they hotboxed a public taxi, then got on their way to the airport in a limo. After every single amphibian got stopped by the TSA (Toad Security Agency), they finally stumbled onto the plane seconds before the gate closed. "You guys need to be earlier," rasped a very old flight attendant who obviously smoked several packs an hour. "Fuk," said one of them while the rest tried to smash their multiple free carry-ons in between other people's stuff. After they had found their seats and the flight was ready to roll, Rash started oozing profusely. "I've never been in a plane before…" he admitted. T-Bird looked over from the parallel set of seats in disbelief. "Rash we fly in a retro vehicle through space without safety equipment literally 400 days a year!" "Shaka brah but this thing travels through the _air_." T-bird would have replied at this time, but he was eating the pot brownies he had packed himself and was already not paying attention. Rash started ungilating furiously in his seat and spewed toad juices from his many warty spots. At lift-off, he went ham and started screeching an ugly REEEEEEEE in fright. Then he fell asleep. "What's the deal with airline food?" chirped T-Bird. The human sitting with him uncomfortably pointed out that he had brought those illegal sweets with him and that the airline only gave out frog leg soup. "uh.. ya.. um… I'm a bird" irrelevantly pointed out the Professor. Since that sentence took him almost 4 hours to speak, they had finally landed. Their torturous break from oxidized pharmaceuticals was over.


End file.
